Dungeons and Stop It
by tmcanerin
Summary: Dungeons and Stop It, the adventureso f the worst DM and three players, none of whom know the rules or how character sheets work. THe thrilling adventure of a lifetime packed into one game Note: The writer of this story has not played D&D since age 5. As I learn more about the game, edits will be made to chapters as I catch things that make absolutely no sense. Thanks for reading!
1. Chapter 1

Alright guys, welcome to the table. Dave, BJ, this is our new guy Ian. What? Oh, you've played before? Great, this'll be easy. You all have character sheets? Great. Wait. Ian, this character has no back story... or name. Just, okay, fine, I'll name him, be cool. So we have Igvar the Dwarf, Ellen the Elf and Jack the... What? That's not a race in D&D. I don't care if it's a race in a book you read. No. Fine, you're a tiefling. Tieflings are people who have demon blood. No, you can't have a Gnome-dwarf-tiefling. I mean, you can, but let's keep it simple. No, you can't shoot fire from your tail. Alright, Dave, help him sort this out.

Alright, we have Igvar the Dwarf, Ellen the Elf, and Jack the Stripper tiefling. Great. Alright, You guys have 500 gold, you can save or spend it now. Igvar enters the store. Alright, Igvar spends all of his money on 50 mead. Igvar is carrying too much. Igvar sells half the mead for a quarter of the price. Igvar has 62 gold and fifty silver. No, you can't buy more mead back or you won't be able to move. No, you don't have enough for anything else but more mead or potions. Fine, you spend the rest of your money on a wooden sword and a feathered cap. Ellen enters the store. Ellen buys a Mystic Bow and 300 arrows. Ellen has 100 gold left. Ellen leaves the store. Ian enters the store. Ian attempts to buy molotov cocktails, but then realizes that this is D&D and he can't do that. Fine, you can buy a scroll of Fireball. No, you will not burn yourself if you open it. Ian has 50 gold left. Ian opens the scroll. The store explodes because I'm sick of dealing with Ian, and because he just opened a scroll of 'Fireball.' The story begins.

You're standing in front of a barracks. BJ, you can't go to the Inn. You don't even know if there is an inn! Okay, fine, go ahead. The inn is locked. You can't set it on fire. You can't bust down the door. Fine, you can bust down the door if you roll a 20. Son of a-. Fine, you break down the door of the inn. Ian, you still can't set it on fire. Would you guys just head back to the barracks? Thank you, Dave. Alright, so you guys are in front of the barracks. Jack the - ugh - stripper attacks the barracks. As the barracks is an inanimate object, Jack the stripper's effect does Jack-the-stop-it, and also he takes 3 damage. Yeah, well, that's what you get for attacking a building with your bare hands. Just get inside.

You are inside a barracks. A man dressed in silver armor and ornate golden inlays faces you, a mighty mustache upon an old and un-helmeted face. He stands with a regal air. Soldiers look at you warily, and seem ready to jump at the opportunity to protect this man. Jack the Stripper attacks the man. Ian rolls 7. Guard rushes to defend the man. Guard rolls 14. Jack the Stripper takes 32 damage. Jack the Stripper is knocked out. Yeah, well that's what you get for trying to attack the first person you meet. You would've survived if you hadn't punched a building. Ellen apologizes profusely to the guard. The persuasion is successful. Good job on the high diplomacy. Alright, Jack the Stripper is kicked out while Igvar and Ellen do the talking. No, you can't spontaneously revive. That's not how the game works. You know what, fine, Jack the Stripper gets up. Jack the Stripper leaves and goes back to the inn to get drunk. Jack the Stripper is ignored until we get back to the story. Igvar engages in conversation with the silver-armored man.

Silver Armored Man: I am Lord Benel.


	2. Chapter 2

Lord Benel approaches the group. Ellen greets him.

Ellen: Good evening, Lord Banal.

It's Benel.

Ellen: Good evening, Lord Anal.

Close enough. Ellen bows, showing the deep curves of her inhumanly sized breasts. _I should get extra point for diplomacy for that. _No, this adds nothing to your diplomacy. Igvar bows along with Ellen. _Can he flash his pecs?_ No.

Igvar: Oh high-lord-god Benel, I wouldst liketh tooth offereth thy meadeth.

Igvar holds up a bottle of mead to the Lord. Benel, not understanding, accepts it with lordly posture before getting back to the bloody campaign.

Lord Benel: Greetings, hero and heroine. Welcome to Ian's pimpin' pala- Sorry, I misspoke. Welcome to Sandalwood or something.

Lord Benel: I assume you've come here to help us with the undead problem, as I can see no other reason why two adventurers like you would visit here. The bounty is the same, 10,000 gold in return for clearing the nearby crypt. Do you accept the offer?

Ellen attempts to flash her size 38FF breasts at Lord Benel in an attempt at diplomacy to increase the amount that they would gain. DC required is 20. Ellen rolls a bloody 20. Ellen gets -10 on the persuasion check due to putting her attempt in one round. Persuasion fails, and Ellen is sent out of the barracks by the guards. _So wait, the guards have no attraction to Ellen, or is it because you just don't want to admit that breasts are intimidating?_ Shut up, BJ.

Igvar: So, 10,001?

Lord Benel: Get the hell out.

Igvar gets himself _AND HIS MEAD!_ thrown out of the barracks. Alright, finally, how did it take us half an hour to get halfway through one page?

Oh, right. Ian set the inn on fire. I'm not entirely certain when, but I've given up on any hopes of a normal campaign. Y'know what, screw it, fine. Ellen and Igvar go to save Jack the Stripper.


	3. Chapter 3

You are standing before a blazing inferno of an inn, children around you screaming and Jack the Stripper prancing around gleefully stealing from the blazing building, including and I quote "the kitchen sink."

Ellen leaps into the burning inn, and fails a trap check. Ellen takes 5 damage as she crashes through the door. Igvar follows soon after, but gets a critical failure! 10 damage to Igvar. Realizing that they could have just told Ian - I mean Jack the Stripper - to get out of there, they both file back out again, followed by Jack. By now, the party is surrounded by several angry villagers, while explosions go on behind them due to burning alcohol.

Ian attempts to flee and fails, taking 3 damage from the crowd and being knocked out...again.

_Can we just kill them all?_

Yeah, sure, fine, whatever. Go ahead.

Igvar launches toward the crowd, throwing bottles of mead. As a bottle of mead is not an official weapon, the crowd catches them, drinks them, and goes into a drunken rage. God I'm a good DM.

Ellen fires a barrage of arrows at the helpless villagers, and does 8 damage. Several innocent villagers now lie dead at the hands of a Lawful Good elf, but the villagers are still coming as they have no realized that this party is bull.

Jack the Stripper annoys the DM so much that he comes back to life with full HP. Using his now-unwasted scroll of Fireball so that we can get on with the bloody plot, he damages the remaining villagers for 13 and slays them all. Congratulations, you guys just killed an entire village except for the barracks. This is going splendidly.

Jack the Stripper does a loot check on the corpses. For some reason, one of the villagers was carrying an Amulet of Truesight, granting Jack the Stripper darkvision for 60 yards. Igvar picks up a body. Igvar has equipped peasant child as a two handed weapon. Ellen does a loot check and finds 50 gold. DM urges the party to hurry the hell up. The party begins traveling to Dusty Skull Catacombs.

On the way, you encounter something.

A roadblock stands in your way, and before you can turn away you find yourself surrounded by several crossbow-wielding bandits. One, older and far more scarred than the rest, takes a hat off a balding head and bows. "Your money, your life, or the elf. Take yer pick." says the bandit chief.

Igvar: Thou canst taketh thee elfth.

Ellen: I object! Namely because we can't sell party members for ransom!

Jack the Stripper: YAAAAARGARBL!

Jack the Stripper launches a pre-emptive strike, gaining a first strike bonus on the Bandit chief. Critical hit! Jack the Stripper does 4 damage.

_FOUR!? But I got a critical!_

You're using bare fists and put all of your stats into charisma, luck, and intelligence, and you didn't choose any spells. Just let BJ and Dave fight it until we can fix your spellbook.

_Fine, whatever._

Ellen casts Summon Nature's Ally 1, and an octopus joins the fight.

Bandit attacks the octopus, but his roll fails agains the octopus' parry. Octopus counterattacks for 6 damage!

Igvar bashes octopus with small child, sending it flying at the Bandit chief to deal 7 damage to the Octopus and sending the Bandit Chief into a frenzy after taking 2 damage!

Bandit (2) fires a quarrel at Jack the Stripper. Jack the Stripper dodges matrix-style.

Bandit Chief attacks Octopus, dealing 14 damage and killing it.

Ellen: Noooooooo! My little octopus!

Bandit chief laughs maniacally at the loss of the octopus.

Jack the Stripper vicious kicks at the groin of Bandit, dealing 4 damage and killing him.

_Awesome._

Ellen casts Longstrider for increased movement speed and moves out of the melee, avoiding an Attack of Opportunity from Bandit (2)

Igvar attacks Bandit Chief with his small child club, dealing 9 damage. Bandit Chief is now Injured.

Bandit (2) draws his blade and gains an Attack of opportunity against Igvar's back, causing 5 damage.

Igvar is now seriously injured as his wounds from before had not been healed.

Bandit Chief attacks Igvar for 7 damage, knocking him out.

_I call bull, how can my dwarf be beaten if he can swing around a small child?_

Just...okay? Ellen fires a bow at Bandit chief and scores a hit! 8 damage is dealt and now the Bandit Chief is near death.

Jack the Stripper punches the Bandit chief, dealing 2 damage and killing him!

_Hells yeah._

Bandit (2) attempts to flee. Jack the Stripper gains an attack of opportunity and hits the Bandit (2) for 2 damage.

Ellen fires an arrow at the bandit, killing him before he can get away. The party is victorious!

Alright, let's see here. The party finds -

_Am I still unconcious_?

No, Igvar is back up now.

The party finds the weapons and armor of the bandits on their body, along with 150 gold spread evenly among the members of the party. ON the corpses are: Two iron swords, three crossbows, one hammer, two leather breastplates, and some leather greaves.

Igvar looks at the hammer and throws it away, preferring his small village child to any other weapon. Igvar equips a leather breastplate and leather greaves. Ellen stores a sword in her pack and takes a crossbow. Jack the Stripper takes a sword, two crossbows, and leather armor, equipping them all. Alright, finally we're getting somewhere.

Jack the Stripper cuts the ears off of the bandits and consumes them.

Jack the Stripper contracts HIV.


	4. The Characters So Far

**Player:** Ian **Hit Point:** 6/6 **Exp:** 50/100

**Character:** Jack the Stripper **Race:** (Fe)Male Tiefling **Alignment:** Chaotic Evil

**Class:** Wizard, Lvl 1

**Money:** 1 Platinum 50 Gold 0 Silver

**Stats:**

Strength – 8 Intelligence – 18

Dexterity – 7 Wisdom – 15

Constitution – 14 Charisma – 16

**Skills:**

Concentration – 4 + 2 = 6 Knowledge Architecture - 4 + 4 = 8

Knowledge History - 4 + 4 = 8 Knowledge Local - 4 + 4 = 8

Craft - 4 + 4 = 8 Decipher script - 4 + 4 = 8

Spellcraft - 4 + 4 = 8

**Feats:**

Run

Scribe Scroll

Summon Familiar: 17.5 Gerbils

Dual wield

**Backpack:**

Bandit ears (4)

Longsword (1d8)

Rations (5)

Bedroll

**Equipped Gear:**

Leather Armor

Dual Wielded Crossbows (2d6) (-2 Attack on first roll, -4 on second)

**Languages:**

Goblin

Gnoll

Halfling

Orc

**Spellbook:**

Specialization: Illusion

Prohibited: Abjuration, Conjuration.

Level 1:

Color spray (Illusion 1)

Disguise self (Illusion 1)

Silent Image (Illusion 1)

Ventriloquism (Illusion 1)

Level 2: N/A

**Extra Notes:**

Totally awesome.

Probably Male, but maybe female, not sure yet.

**Player:** Dave **Hit Point:** 13/13 **Exp:** 50/100

**Character:** Igvar Igvarianism Igs **Race:** Male Dwarf **Alignment:** True Neutral

**Class:** Fighter, Lvl 1

**Money:** 1 Platinum 102 Gold 5 Silver

**Stats:**

Strength – 16 Intelligence – 9

Dexterity – 7 Wisdom – 12

Constitution – 16 Charisma – 11

**Skills:**

Climb 4 + 3 = 7

**Feats:**

Armor proficiency light

Armor proficiency medium

Armor proficiency heavy

Endurance

Martial weapon proficiency

Shield proficiency

Simple weapon proficiency

Tower shield proficiency

**Backpack:**  
Backpack 2lb (1)

Flint/steel (3)

Rations 1lb (25)

**Equipped Gear:**

Leather Armor

Small Child (1d10)

**Languages:**

Common

Dwarven

**Spellbook:**

N/A

**Extra Notes:**

MEAAAAD!

**Player:** BJ **Hit Point:** 13/13 **Exp:** 50/100

**Character:** Ellen Elfly **Race:** Female Elf **Alignment:** Lawful Good

**Class:** Ranger, Lvl 1

**Money:** 1 Platinum 140 Gold 0 Silver

**Stats:**

Strength – 9 Intelligence – 11

Dexterity – 18 Wisdom – 9

Constitution – 12 Charisma – 11

**Skills:**

Diplomacy 2 + 0 = 2

Heal 2 + -1 = 1

Jump 2 + -1 = 1

Knowlege nature 4 + 0 = 4

Listen 6 + -1 = 5

Search 6 + 0 = 6

Spot 6 + -1 = 5

Immune to sleep

**Feats:**

Armor proficiency light

Lightning reflexes

Martial weapon proficiency

Shield proficiency

Simple weapon proficiency

Favored enemy

Track, wild empathy

**Backpack:**

Crossbow, light 1d8 (1)

Arrows (295)

Backpack 2lb (1)

Candle (100)

**Equipped Gear:**

Leather Armor

Longbow 1d8 (+5 to attack rolls)

38FF Boobs (+1 Armor)

**Languages:**

Common

Elvish

**Spellbook:**

N/A

**Extra Notes:**

Like, really, really hot.


End file.
